what changed my world

I was born in Danbury, CT. I think not too many people know that, I only lived there until I was two, so I don't have really any memories there. But my family does. We lived about 20 minutes from Newtown, CT. The hospital I was born in, was the same Hospital those school members were taken too in hopes that some would survive. Only 1 did.

 

I know everyone was so shaken up by what happened on Friday, but I feel like I will remember this so vividly forever in my memory. I cannot stop thinking about it. I was driving home from taking Lucy to the Dr. Friday afternoon when Tyler called to tell me what had happened. They didn't know many details then, just that there was an elementary school shooting. I was horrified. I came home and immediately began looking for more information. About an hour later Tyler called to tell me some more information he had figured out, and I put two and two together on the phone and realized that this dispicable human being had basically shot and killed an entire first grade class full of 6 year old. I lost it. And I know I'm not the only one, but I was sobbing. My heart was breaking. I have been feeling so selfish, and everything I had been worrying about all the sudden seemed so insignificant. I was packing for our trip to Utah, stressed out, and exhausted. But I stopped everything for about an hour to literally sob, and hold my girls close while we watched Land Before Time.

 

It's just so bizarre. Everything was running through my mind, What if that teacher had a gun? Would it have made a difference? What happened? How did he get in? What is wrong with the world? Should I be homeschooling my children? To feeling so guilty for sending Lucy to preschool when I know I could be doing a Joy-school group that would be the same thing, just require more work on my end. I was feeling so selfish, stupid, lazy, and horrified.

 

I know we cannot live in fear, and I know life just continues to go on, but as soon as I start to feel normal, or laugh and have fun, I get reverted back to thinking about this horrible tradgedy. I will forever remember this, and it will continue to haunt me. I can't imagine the heartache, the pain, the confusion, the frustration, the shock that everyone in that town is going through. It's my biggest fear- losing a child. I think it's every parents worst fear.

 

I hope that this experience will make me a better person. I hope it makes us all better. I hope we can find a way to make our schools safer, but most importantly ways to help those who are suffering from mental illnesses. I feel that is where the true help is needed. I think the security for the school was there. I dont' know what else they could have done. It's just terrifying.

 

My prayers and thoughts are will those 26 families, but I know they are in Heaven. I know they now feel no pain, and are in Jesus' arms. I am so grateful for my knowledge of this.

 

This will forever be in my heart.